Ocean Eyes: Of Love and Hate

I've been watchin' you for some time

Can't stop starin' at those ocean eyes
Burning cities and napalm skies
Fifteen flares inside those ocean eyes
Your ocean eyes

I don't know how to start. Quite frankly, I don't think it is even a good idea to write about this, about you. One, because it will immortalize (albeit, only in this safe space I still call a blog) the fact that I am, without a single grain of doubt, in love with you. Two, who am I kidding? No matter how much I write about you and how I feel about you, the us I have been dreaming of will never happen. No matter how hard I write, how many words I use, nothing will change. One thing's certain though, I haven't stopped thinking about you. The fact that we have not seen each other for a very long time, and yet you still have this hold on me is really telling. It's very telling of how stupid I am for being in this position again, for the nth time. And yet, I cannot stop. I am falling deeper and deeper, and instead of swimming against your current to get some air, I do the opposite: I bask in the depths of this unrequited love like it's not hurting me every damn time. 

I've been walkin' through a world gone blind
Can't stop thinkin' of your diamond mind
Careful creature made friends with time
He left her lonely with a diamond mind
And those ocean eyes

I still have two paragraphs to fill but I am now running out of words to really describe how I feel. I mean how do you expand the premise of unrequited love? It's self-explanatory, right? It should be and I should be able to understand and accept the fact that no matter how strong and abnormal and deep these fucking feels I have for you, it will never be returned (or could it?). But the fact that I am writing about this despite knowing what I know is a justification that I am stupid. I did try to stop. But in the middle of this fucking pandemic, I thought that you might need someone. I thought that maybe it's getting into you in the most sinister of ways and I'd hate it if I did nothing. So I reached out, made sure you are doing okay, and assured you that I am here. Always. Look where it got me. Part of me is happy that I feel this way and I am going through this because at least I know I still feel things. Part of me is also pissed of because of all the ways the universe has to prove the existence of my still functioning heart, it is in the form of hurt. I'd still take it, though. I'd still choose you. Masochist, yes. Stupid, without a doubt. Self-destructive and painful, one hundred percent. But it's you. I will always choose you.

No fair
You really know how to make me cry
When you gimme those ocean eyes
I'm scared
I've never fallen from quite this high
Fallin' into your ocean eyes
Those ocean eyes

Sometimes, I feel daring and brave enough to tell you. Like, we should be in this mess together, right? And then I have to remind myself immediately before I do anything stupid that I have more to lose in this single-player battle. So, allow me just this instance to tell you this with so much love and a bit of hate: Fuck you. But also, please take care. I know I say this often, but don't you dare forget that I am always here for you. You're the only contact in my Messenger that I don't leave on read or unreplied. I just can't do it to you despite what you have been putting me through (unknowingly, but still). I hope you're always well and happy. Take care.

PS.

This is pure fiction. I just thought of writing something because I have a new domain. I was not able to renew my old one because it took me a while to decide whether I want to continue doing this. Does this mean I will take blogging more seriously? No. It just so happen that I had enough money and I was drunk so I bought a new domain lol. Seriously though, I feel a tinge of happiness to be writing again, work of fiction or not. I know nobody visits this site, but in case you do. Thanks!